Thankfulness

One of the things that I teach about in one my addictions class is that we can easily fall back into negative habits and patterns when we let ourselves get to Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired or Sad (HALTS).  Teaching is a funny thing.  You can get yourself way deep into the middle of the lesson because you TRULY believe in what you are teaching.  Then....you walk away and, sometime later it dawns on you that, even though you just taught something that you KNOW is true you have not been practicing it.

hhhhuuuuuhhhhh??????   ME??????

I have let myself fall back into some places that cause triggers for me. If I even let myself lose some focus then I am a goner.   ~laffin in that scary kinda way~  Instead and being strong and getting rest and regrouping,  I bought popcorn and potato chips and self medicated.  ~grins~

 So it is time to focus again.  One of the things that can bring me back to Mindy is my list.

 It's been too long hasn't it?  

Today I am thankful for:

1. Money to pay my taxes
2. New mattresses
3. Flowers
4. People who love me enough to find their place in my head
5. Fresh clean panties
6. Cell phone chargers
7. Snail mail
8. My mom learning to text
9. Granddudes  and dudette
10. Spotify
11. Oatmeal and dried cherries
12. Soft boots
13. Basil and rosemary plants
14. Pinterest
15. Paint and brushes
16. Doors
17.  A body that has served me very well
18. Soft t-shirts from far off places
19. A washer and dryer in my home
20. You

Okay, now you know how this works.    What are you thankful for today? 

Oh come on....don't be shy.....Tell me.  I can keep a secret.  ~grins~

Pork Butts, Tears, Truth and Trust

 
Last night I drove home from Happy Texas smelling like cooked onions, crying, talking out loud to myself and eating pork butt out of a zip lock bag (and zip lock is sure as hell not compensating me for using their name here).  

 Doodles came to be in this family at 2 days old.  She will just be with us for a few more days.

We knew this day was coming but we really thought (dreamed? lied to ourselves?demanded?) that things would be different.  They are not going to be.

I held this baby when she was just a few days old.  She and I bonded over a week of nights.  Her bright eyed slugging back milk from a bottle at 2am.  Me remembering why young people have babies.

She is getting a tooth in.  She has found her voice and babbles.  She got to go with us for girls weekend.  She promised me she would go next year with me and we fist bumped.  I hope she does not forget.

Cause fist bumps are even bigger than promises.

I believe in the legal system. I believe that it is good for the most part and that it works.  If I did not believe, then I could not do the job that I do.  I believe that it works if it is applied and governed in the way that it was intended.  And even though I believe in the system, I see its cracks and flaws.  I know people, even the littlest of people, fall through the holes.  

Truth is...this sucks.  Truth is....this hurts.   I cannot imagine how this must feel for my kids.  Instead of getting mad, they pack up her favorite things and make copies of all of her pictures for bio-mom.

How did Mose's mom do it? 

So we take pictures.  We love her.  We do cement hand prints onto garden stones. 

We trust. 

I whispered my words into her ear one last time.

Paisley you are Momdy's baby girl and I will always love you.  You are so kind.  You are so special. You will always use your words for good.  You are loved.  You are even more than beautiful because yours comes from the inside baby girl. 

Then I look into her blue eyes and she smiled her goofy grin at me and I hand her back to the only mommy she has ever known and I drove away.  I cried knowing that I will probably never hear her voice. 

We may never ever see her again (though there is a piece of me that suspects that we will) but she will always belong to us.

I will always look for a little girl named Paisley and I will never ever let go of my end of the red thread*. 

*An invisible red thread connects those destined to meet, despite the time, the place, and despite the circumstances. The thread can be tightened or tangle, but will never be broken.” Ancient Chinese proverb

52 Verbs Balance

 On Valentine's Day, I ran to Casseroles To Go (one of my FAVORITE places in Plainview) to pick some of us up some salads.  While there, my friend Janet looked at me and exclaimed *You look so healthy AND happy!*  I thought to myself.....yes.  Yes I am.  Especially the happy part.   Six little words that she never had to say....but dang they meant the world to me...especially knowing that someone can SEE it.  

I get home today and there is a box on my porch. I think...well that's odd... I don't remember ordering anything. Take it in to the kitchen and open it. Stand by the dining room table and take out the Sweet Potato Queens Book of Love and the cross stitch that says be* you* tiful.  The note says page 118 Jay at the desk.  Flip really fast to page 118.  I start laughing and crying all at the same time. Freak out the cats.  Di took the time to reach out and send me love.  She KNEW I would get it.  Di is someone that holds me up and prays for me....and I have seen a picture of my name on her prayer wall.  When she sent me that pic, I was humbled to my core.  She means business.

Look at the picture and you see all sorts of bits and pieces of love there.  Valentine's, flowers, a hand blown glass heart carefully picked and sent to me all the way from Washington, a new flying pig to add to my collection, a silver talisman from Amy that makes me feel strong and brave like she is holding my hand.  Everything in that picture reminds me that I am wanted, cared for, sought after, cherished, held on to...loved.  What is not pictured there is all of the words that are typed, texted and whispered (sometimes shouted ~laffin~) telling me the same thing....day after day.  I am loved.  It is pressed into my hands and my heart.  Beloved.

When my crazy world spins a little faster than normal and my axis begins to weave and bob...you reach out and gently right me and give me my balance again.  

My heart gets that crazy thumping feeling and I smile...and I wear you all like a blanket.  

I am happy.

Don't Lose This Recipe!

I found this recipe several months ago on pinterest.  It was from Tasty Nest's blog.  God bless Miss Tasty Nest.  For those of you that do not bake or would never try to make cinnamon rolls....you have GOT to take the time to make these.  For those of you that DO make cinnamon rolls, it will be hard to go back after you have these.  They are that easy and that GOOD.

I keep all of my ingredients for this recipe on hand.  There is ALWAYS butter in my house.  (now really, did that surprise you?) I have several pounds in the freezer.  I keep a bag of the Rhodes cinnamon rolls in the freezer.  Then there is generic great value pudding in the cabinet.  Not a lot of fancy ingredients to go buy or hunt for. 

Ingredients:  a 12 pack of Rhodes Cinnamon rolls (found in the freezer section) a box of vanilla pudding and 1 stick of butter. 

Put your frozen rolls into a 9x13 pan. 

Sprinkle all over with the unprepared dry pudding.  Kinda like powdering a baby's butt. 

Melt your butter and drizzle all of it all over your rolls.  Cover and put into your fridge overnight.  I use plastic wrap or foil.  I have never had a problem with them sticking. I have actually made these in the morning, put into the fridge and then cooked them that same night.  So look at an 8 hour nap time for those rolls.

The next morning, set your over to 350 to pre-heat and take your rolls out.  Remove what ever you covered them with. The original recipe says to let them thaw at least 30 minutes before cooking.  I have found that is not necessary. Trust me...these puppies will TOTALLY rise when you put them into the oven!  Bake for 15-20 minutes.  You will know they are ready when they are a beautiful golden brown color. And the smell!  mmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Immediately ice with the two icing packets that came frozen in the bag.  You can also add other things like pecans.  mmmmmmmm pecans. If you want more icing, be my guest!  A little milk, powdered sugar and vanilla and TA DA even more icing.

Eat.  

I have halved the recipe at times.  Just use 6 of the frozen cinnamon rolls (the bag has a handy dandy zip lock on the top!) half a stick of butter, half a box of pudding and one of the frozen icings.  

People LOVE this.  After raving you will say...would you like the recipe?  They are all like *oh no! I could never make cinnamon rolls like this.  Mine would not take this good and there is too much work involved.*  They are always surprised to find out how easy this recipe is. 

You knew there was a reason to keep me around.




....you had me at butter.

52 Verbs--Permit, Admit and Renewal

I have had three major relationships in my life.  The first was with my my high school sweetheart.   I was young, dumb and had just graduated from high school.  I thought that I knew everything that there was to know about life.  I married him the month that I should have started to college.  I went from a warm cocoon of a family to a survival of the fittest kind of a situation.  I was there when his affair began.  She was a senior in high school and was married.  They lived behind my sister and brother in law's house and all three couples did things together.  It was at square dancing lessons

I am going to give you a minute to compose yourself.  

Really....stop laughing.

that I realized that they were always pairing up.  Then I saw them kiss.  She even told me that she loved him.  I would not leave.  I had no point of reference for leaving.  My parents and all of my relatives had always been married to the same person.  So leaving was not an option to me.  Instead, I permitted him to treat me badly. 

So...he left me at my parents home.  ~laffin~  I guess he thought that I could not find my way home.

We got a divorce.  He got a new wife and baby.  I got bitter.  

I was not a happy person and it showed.  I had a dead end job in a tiny little town. Raising my beautiful daughter with no sign of love in sight.

Then he came back.  All sugar and sweet.  Paid off my car.  Loved his daughter like he should.  Told me what a horrible mistake he had made and he worked at regaining my trust.  Oh how he worked at it.  For years he worked at it.  I permitted him back in. 

Loaded up the U-Haul and the daughter that did not WANT to be loaded up and off we went!  The happy family back together.  Eventually along came a son.  That exploded into knowing about the another girlfriend and her pregnancy.  I must admit he really learned how to do that better.  I did not begin to suspect until the end.  So now I have a newborn baby, a 10 year old daughter, town without family and not enough job skills to get a good enough job to even pay my rent.  I told him I would take him back.  I again permitted the behavior.  He did not come back.  Thank God for unanswered prayers.

I went back *home* and waited for him to jump on his white horse and save me.  That poor little girl was so clueless.  Eventually the scales began to fall from my eyes and I saw the whole thing for what it was.  I begin to realize my value thanks to some wonderful women who drug me along when I could not seem to put one foot in front of the other.

I admitted to myself he was not coming back.  I admitted to myself that something in ME had to change.  I raised my babies....went back to college...got a career.  I moved forward.  I let go of the bitterness.   If that divorce did nothing else but help me to get release that bitterness, it was totally worth it.  I became happy.

Flash forward 20 years.  I entered in to a relationship that I never ever dreamed that I would get into.  I was in love.  I would say even deeper than the first two times.  I slipped back into some old patterns and chose to believe the words over the actions.  Want to woo me?  Give me beautiful words. Make me prpromises I want to hear.  Tap into my insecurities of being alone and assure me that you will always be there.   I permitted them even thougt there began to be no follow through with the words.  I eventually woke up and took my life back.  Words woo me....but damn....actions will keep me or lose me.

Boundaries that you set yourself can be such good and healthy but can hurt.    You know it is for the best but it is like carving words into your arms and watching yourself bleed.  

Then you decide that you that the blood is not so bad if it will eventually lead to the healing.

Then my friends intervened and held on to me.  My life coach pushed me out of the nest.

 I flew.  

Renew- to make like new : restore to freshness, vigor, or perfection.  

That is what I am doing.  That is what others are helping me to do. I am working on my bucket list. I am creating, remodeling and planning to travel.  I am taking risks and living my own life.

I have gone from a scared little girl watching her husband kiss a married woman from across a dance floor to a woman who is truly happy with her life.  

I would not have changed a thing.  All of the relationships taught me something.  Especially my last one.  I will forever be grateful.  

I can honestly tell you that I am happier right now than any other time in my life.  I am hungry for what is coming.  I am excited.  I feel sparkly on the inside. 

I am one of the lucky ones.



 ....~singing~  I'm leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again.

52 Verbs--Scatter

When I was a little bitty girl, my parents and I had gone somewhere and gotten a whole bunch of cattails.  The neighborhood kids and I had a ball using them as swords and scattering all of the fuzz off of them.  It looked like a big old blizzard on a little street.  My friend's mom was not so pleased with our efforts and tried, in vain, to rake up all of the scattered pieces of those cattails.  I remember her seething and watering her lawn down so that she could try to rake all of that mess up. 

Sometimes, when something has been done....it cannot be undone in an easy manner. 

 Remember that little verb project of Diane's?  The one that I thought was going to be so *fun*.   Yeah well....I am about over it already and am only into week #2.  This weeks verb was SCATTER.   In my mind, this was a fun verb.  Before the end of the week....not so fun.

                                             Cargill
This past Thursday my  little town of Plainview Texas,  population 22,000,  was dealt a huge blow.  Cargill,  Plainview's largest employer, will close it's operations here on 2/1/13. You can read more about it here.  They employ over 2,000.  You do the math.  It was built here in Plainview in 1971.  Some have worked at that plant since it's opening here.

                                   Peanut Corporation of America                     
Remember the peanut butter scare a few years ago?  The one because of salmonella?  Yeah it came from here.   We kinda look at it like John Wayne Gacy's neighbors looked at him....we did not see or smell anything.  Sorry about that.
We have counted 7 other businesses that will close their doors the day that Cargill does.  Those businesses are directly related to Cargill.  That must be at least another 1000 people.  That is not even taking into consideration the other jobs that will be lost due to our downward spiraling economy.  

They also were a big contributor to many community service activities here.  Those include United Way, Chamber of Commerce, American Red Cross, Literacy Council, Boy Scouts/Girl Scouts, Optimists, Rotary Club, Industrial Foundation, City Council, Country Club Board of Directors, Special Olympics, Cotton Barons Ball, CASA and many others.  

                                           The 1st Kmart that closed before I even moved here in 1996.  
Thursday morning, people got up and went to work not knowing that they would be without a job withing a matter of hours.

Oh Cargill was good....no one had a clue.  Not even the people that worked there.  Instead of selling the plant, they have chosen to IDLE it.  That means there is no hope of any other industry coming in and buying that building.  Cargill is in hopes to reopen it if the cattle industry picks back up in 5-10 years.  

                                        The 2nd Kmart that has been closed for at least 10 years.
People will move.  They will have.  We don't have jobs to help those people. They will scatter.  There is no way around that. They will not be able to feed and take care of their families here.  

When they scatter, so will so many other things in this little community.  

                              J.C. Penny outlet that has closed within the last year.
We felt the fallout at work Thursday and Friday.  People running in to see if they can go look for other work.  People calling me to ask me if I had heard.

                               Starbucks that has been closed over 4 years.
And me saying over and over again....do not quit!  Stay until until the end so you can get a severance package and unemployment.

                                     Staples closed over 5 years.
People are just in shock.  Because, even if you were not directly employed at Cargill, if you live in Plainview you will be effected.  It's like everyone woke up and were turned into zombies overnight.   

        Wendy's closed over 3 years.  You can still occasionally see people sitting in the drive thru   wondering why no one is taking their order.  
We have lost other businesses here but nothing on this scale.   Everyone I have pictured here are all on our interstate.  Now tell me, how inviting is that to a business that is thinking of coming in?

So....what is a person to do?  What can you say to help begin to put the scattered pieces of people's lives back together. Because let's face it, God has a plan and it'll all be alright just are not going to cut it at this time.

Like the cattails...nothing can be done quickly and easily to fix this mess.  We can hope for the best and re-group.  In the meantime, people are hurting and are getting desperate.  It will get worse.    

And yet, even though the town is bleeding, I do not think it is dead

All that I know to do at this time is to treat people...all people...with kindness.  Take the time to listen to people because they need to talk.  Call people by their names.  Slow down and take the time to SEE that people are hurting.  Pray.  Hug people.

Then it dawned on me....shouldn't WE have been doing that already?  No matter if you are in Plainview Texas or anywhere else in this big beautiful world...we should already been doing this.

 Shouldn't I have already been doing this?  

If we all do this together, drop our tiny little pebbles into our tiny piece of the water, our ripples will eventually touch and make a difference. 

 
.....who wants to toss pebbles with me?

Be My Valentine...

Okay people,*dusting my negativity off* we need to do something fun!  Let's have a swap.  It has been YEARS since we have done a swap!  I am going to open this up here on the blog and on facebook.

Since Valentine's is my fffaaavvvooorrriitttee time of year *cue rolling of the eyes* it is going to be a Valentine Swap. 

ALL you have to do is send a Valentine to the person I pair you up with.  That is it.  If you sign up you will be obligated to send out one Valentine to one person.  It can be homemade or it can be bought.  Mail outs will be on Friday February 8th so that everyone's valentine can get to it's destination in plenty of time. 

So, if you want to play (and I so hope you want to play) leave a comment here and then send your address to princessandthebeads@gmail.com

You have until 2/1/13 to get signed up.

Facebook people can just send me a message with your address!

BEAUTIFUL CAST OF CHARACTERS: Amy, Ester, Stella, Eva, Phyl, Wanda, Lydia, Cheryl, Claire, Kimberly, Kate, Cindy, Jan,  Anna,  Rachel, MaryBeth, Marlene, Renea, Janet, Nelda, Deb, Susan, Camille,  Michelle, Lori C,  Nelda,  Madonna, Me


.....this is my happy face.